Abaculus

This post has been a long time coming, a delay in part due to a crazy pre-Christmas, an exhausted lull, followed by a disrupted new year. One thing I do value at the end of the year is reflection, and without reflection we cannot move forward effectively. For the past couple of New Year's I've not had the space to reflect for whatever reason. I need space to touch base with myself where I'm at, and this can only be achieved alone. Don't get me wrong, I value and even love my friends and they do provide me with insights that could not possibly happen in solitude. However, here I'm trying to detach from chatter, and to reach someplace inside.

I've got a few things I would like to achieve in 2008, but I'm not in the mood to share on a general level. These are personal to me, and in part because I need the space to enable this to happen. Yes there's the public declaration argument, where you force yourself to be accountable, but its not what I need now. To enable a lot of that to happen, that pressure needs to be laid off and with it there's a recognition only I can do this; thus its about a relationship with myself. Friends do help too, and for that I've got a lot to be thankful for.

The whole concept of achievement, comes a respect that life is supposed to be a journey not a destination. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't. Yes there's a lot of personal development material that could tell you something entirely different, along the lines of aim high and achieve it already like yesterday will you, you get one short life; but its not a place I'm contemplating in January 2008.

I'm also aware that too many resolutions can lead you to go off track too quickly, and come the second, third, fourth week in January things have gone pear shaped. The result? Back to square one, and perhaps a demotivation - or lack of faith, see below - to keep pushing forward. This is one reason I can shy away from absolute resolutions where one slip off a track and that's it. Moving towards a particular goal by incorporating certain values into one's life is much more realistic.

However, the bottom line many of these achievements, whilst sometimes necessarily practical, could be described as somewhat superficial and doesn't latch onto deeper virtues. Here I'm reminded of Benjamin Franklin's 13 virtues: temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, chastity, tranquility and humility. He undertook a commitment to focus of one virtue each week, before moving onto the next in rotation. All excellent virtues, and ones I would like to aspire to.

However, I know the focus on 13 virtues would somewhat lack focus, way too much chatter and leave me with something along the lines of feeling I had ADD. Thus, for 2008 I am going to focus on one word or phrase, and not spread focus too thinly, which results in non effectiveness. I could indeed pick a word off the above list, but I need to prioritise as far as personal relevance goes. Over the past few days I've given much thought to what this word could be: vitality, diligence, self actualisation, explore, simplicity; to name some phrases that have entered my head. However, some of these concepts are not where I'm at currently, or don't quite encompass where I would like to go. After much self debating, my 2008 word is: faith.

On that face of it, its somewhat a scary concept for me to latch onto, due to its traditional connotations with religion. My relationship with religion is outside the scope of this post, so lets keep this non partisan. I'm no expert in this area, and that's likely to stay; however, faith has a broad meaning, but ultimately it has to mean trust, will and optimism. A belief in the possible, a belief in oneself, a belief in others and where self doubt creeps in the faith to challenge this. We could get into a discussion here over the epistemological validity of faith, but where I'm right now its kind of a non argument. I'm too logical or practical, I've not quite lost sight of the shore that is cold reality. However you examine this, any attempt to get into that territory would be just an attempt to convert the converted.

To operate around faith requires latching onto spirituality, some operation at a deeper level, and perhaps suspending yourself to belief in a higher being. The concept of higher being, does not necessarily have to mean God, but just an acceptance that you cannot control everything. Its as much about letting go, and just an acceptance. I already latch on extremely well to this line of thinking on some levels (but on others I could do better). It gets me through life, and traditionally its a mechanism that allows me to be philosophical, and maintain a sane detached distance. Reflection time enables this to happen, and I've recognised that I need to make space for this.

There's work to be done though, and sometimes I cannot just accept. Part of this comes from being in a minority group, and the oppression that comes with it. That alone leaves this open to being challenging, i.e. I cannot accept oppression. How to reconcile or work through this maze, and how two schools of thought intertwine.

I also need to claw back faith or belief, and transpiring this into something else. Quite what is, happens to be another box of tricks or treats entirely.

Whilst I've written this blog post, this level is not something I will readily share with anyone - its too personal - and you won't find me engaging in some random conversation about at a whim. However, I can see some elements that are liable to get my head in knots. Perhaps part of this is just surrendering and letting be, who knows.