Abaculus

Beyond this introductory paragraph, I typed the remainder of this post a week ago, but held back publishing it for various reasons; including some apprehension around committing such content to public space. That includes elements of making it real, is this really it, etc. Since its my birthday, and the start of a new year in my life it's perhaps appropriate just to jump. The rest of this post was written last Wednesday.

This is going to be very self indulgent writing, no-one is obliged to read it. In fact, I would possibly prefer it that way. To summarise this post in one sentence: I've finally made a decision on what next. Not a forced decision, because someone out there is pushing me or I feel obligated. Because finally I'm ready, and it feels right. Just how important to do it this way, was crucial. Now you may stop reading, because that's the gist of the below.

Along the way I thought I'd never get to this point, perhaps gave up hope more than once and tear myself up in frustration. Back in January I wanted to focus this year on faith. This was very much deliberate, I knew my life was moving forward and deep down there was a sense of knowing that I wasn't going to have an affirmation of answers until the summer; yet there were days I became filled with self doubt. Other people pushing some agenda sometimes drove me into deeper anxiety and not helpful. A sense of self needed to be averred, for a myriad of reasons which I'm not going to spell out here. The calendar flipped to February, and I said, "Bottom line, I feel as if I'm going through a prep stage for the next phrase in my life, but the weird thing is, I really don't know what that is". My instinct was telling me something, and I couldn't afford not to listen to it (I've failed on this one before, to negative consequences). When I attended a life mapping session at the end of March, I was offered a window:

E and I decided to attend the workshop on Life Mapping, to give the terps something to do. This was somewhat weird, more to do with the tutor, as E has already noted on her blog. The exercise was drawing or visually mapping out your life to date, however a focus on what you felt. This included triggers for good and bad times. Something we all think about, but seeing this on paper was interesting, as its easier to spot trends. Drawing my life's rollercoaster, there was one recurring remedy, when things went pear shaped. A remedy that automatically went for a few years back, but didn't follow it through, and have since neglected it. This absence was so blindingly obvious on paper, I sat there thinking I was stupid. For all the noise that can happen, sometimes you get directed from you[r] mind's eye. Its something I need to get back to.

(And yes I know how New Age that must read).

Now, I won't quite be so harsh on myself, because other factors entered the equation. However, back in March I wasn't sure I wanted to face up to this practicality, and I was still after certain answers. Before Dublin a couple of friends had made comments on how they perceived my strengths, and perhaps running away from this caused me to become lost.

A few weeks ago I went to London, to do some filming for the BBC. Not because I was jumping at filming - I've actively turned down every TV request in the past 6 years, I actually hate television - but I had my own agenda. I was just rooting for some presentation practice, before Dublin. Instead of practising in the safety of one's home, I do it on national screen (don't analyse my logic). However, what was more interesting for me was the process leading up to this. Another ping.

I knew Dublin would hold some answers, and whilst it threw in some surprises, some moments of just wanting to run away, internalisation of many questions; it introduced clarity. Something that has been missing for too long. In the Emerald Isle, I knew where I wanted to arrive at, but I wasn't quite sure of the form. I had 4-5 potential avenues in my head, some half serious, some not; I even expressed this to a couple of people but that's where it stopped. Ultimately not quite knowing how I would approach this. For that reason alone, I felt somewhat of a fraud. The aim was there, but nothing felt quite right at the form. This bugged me travelling home, I didn't like leaving without all the answers. Anxious to ride a wave, this week, I've done some research, and perplexed how I would solve this. Information really wasn't doing it, and more and more there was a realisation I had a good inkling of my destination but I needed a route.

Finally I woke up this morning knowing exactly what I wanted to do, and I even dreamt about it. I've not been so sure of anything for a long time. Whilst all this is just an outline of where I want to go, I've still got detail to figure out and more importantly I've now got to face the difficult part and execute this in practice. Just thinking about it tires me. Nothing in life is every a smooth journey, and I'm old enough to realise there's a rollercoaster ahead. Yes, I need to get the mechanisms in place, because right now there's none, and then following this through.

As a side note, and rather spooky, last week I was offered a job and also approached to do some work in the States. Coincidentally, all linked to my current anticipated path, yet both were not pursued or applied for. Certainly no dots or crosses have happened, thus could fall through; however I feel totally okay with that, even at peace. Perhaps everything happens for a reason, and finally things appear to be coming together. As much as it is a bit eek to type that, there's a deep sense of knowing and a state that has been absent for what feels like eternity. A distrait that led to being lost; and suddenly being reintroduced to an old friend. That connection to a spiritual self has always been important to me, pushing me forward. Its been missing, I've certainly noticed; kind of banging my head wishing that void would be refilled. Now I'm left with the thought: thank goodness you're back, please don't leave me again.

That's where blogging is going to end on this subject, because I'm not about to lend every inch of my being to cyberspace. I'm possibly not going to want to talk about this much - if at all - because right now solitude is important. Its the only way I can be sure I'm taking the right path, and I'm in need of that inner connection. Certainly I will be seeking out people to assist me, but this will be selective.

I'll end with: I've not been so liberated in years.